Clients often ask me, “How long does EFT couples therapy take?” This is a great question but incredibly difficult to answer, and one that is often best answered with “It depends.” In general, though, a typical course of couples therapy is 10 to 20 sessions, with much relief occurring at the 7-10 session mark. There are factors that can affect this rough estimate, including length of marriage, past trauma, neurodivergence, attachment injuries, and ambivalence.
Duration of Relationship
Generally, the number of years married can impact the length of therapy. If a couple has been together for a very long time, patterns of relating are more deeply embedded in the relationship and naturally take more time to unravel and reshape. On the other hand, newlyweds without a long history together can see benefits from couples therapy often more quickly.
- Much like a longer ship takes more time to turn around in the ship channel, a couple who has been married for a long time might take more time to process dysfunctional communication patterns, heal from attachment injuries, and deepen their bond.
Trauma History
Another factor influencing the length of treatment is whether one of both of the partners have experienced trauma in their lives. Much has been learned in the past decade or two about how the brain responds physiologically to trauma. When an organism experiences a traumatic event, the brain reorganizes in such a way as to help it better survive its now, not- so-safe, environment. The amygdala in the brain thus becomes more sensitive to perceived threats, quickly and frequently sending warning signals to the frontal cortex. The human brain perceives and reorganizes in this way after aversive childhood events such as abuse and neglect from childhood attachment figures. As the individual matures, the brain often continues to be on high alert for similar attachment distress and injuries to occur (see The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk). As a result, in our current adult relationship, a particular tone of voice, harsh words, or even just leaving the room can trigger a trauma response or fight or flight.
- A couple shared with me how the cat they rescued from the shelter years ago still jumps into the air and hides under the bed whenever the male partner sneezes. The cat has never really bonded with this kind man, despite his attempts, and instead has become the female partner’s “sidekick.” They wondered if the cat might have been hurt or traumatized by a man before they adopted it. In a similar way, when people experience a trigger that reawakens a trauma response, obstacles to connection can occur and progress in therapy derailed. It becomes necessary to recreate a sense of safety in the relationship, and that takes more time.
Neurodivergence
Another factor that can cause couples therapy to take longer than expected is neurodivergence. Being on the autism spectrum (aka having Asperger’s) can cause difficulty recognizing and confiding emotions to your partner. As a result, emotional signals are delayed or nonexistent. Because “Emotion is the messenger of love” (see A General Theory of Love by Lewis, Amini, & Lannon), the neurotypical partner does not receive those messages of love from their partner, and emotional intimacy is stalled. Developing ways to help clients on the spectrum identify and describe emotions to their partners becomes an important step in couples therapy, and one that might complicate and lengthen the process of therapy.
Attachment Injuries
Sometimes something happens in a couple’s life that feels bigger than other disagreements or conflicts. Time must be made to process and resolve the injury in a way that both partners can now move forward. Simply brushing it aside without resolving the injury does not work; it will eventually reappear in a sudden way that feels unpredictable and unprovoked. Indeed, “Unprocessed pain tweaks behavior” (Kathryn Rheem).
- Chris and Sam have done excellent work understanding their painful pattern of communication and getting past everyday conflicts. But eventually Sam’s hurt feeling’s about an affair Chris had a decade ago resurfaces. Chris says, “You will never let this go!” and Sam feels bad but knows this is true. He tries harder to let it go, but the feelings eventually return. Using the road map of the EFT Attachment Injury Repair Model, we are able to process the affair in a way that both Chris and Sam can integrate the experience, learn from it and “affair proof” their marriage, and truly move forward.
Motivation and Ambivalence
If one of the partners in a couple is not sure they want to stay in the marriage, additional time is required to address and process this ambivalence. Couples therapy might be paused to allow for one or both of the partners to obtain individual therapy to help clarify personal goals. Discernment therapy is another tool that can help couples determine if continuing the marriage and deepening intimacy is indeed what they want.
The duration of couples therapy depends on many things. It is important for the couple to share expectations and concerns with each other and their therapist as they proceed through the steps and stages of EFT couples therapy and improve their relationship.
Further reading
