In Part 1 of Do You Think About Divorce Every Four Years?, I described how confiding feelings with vulnerability can help to bring us together in times of political distress and disconnection. In Part 2, I will discuss other ways we can reconnect with our partners during these times.
When the most important person in the world to us expresses differing political views, we can find ourselves feeling confused, frustrated, and anxious. This is especially true in recent years, as people become increasingly polarized by social media algorithms targeting users with polarizing newsfeed (as described in the Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma). Suddenly, our partner might appear more aligned with the “other side” and less aligned with us. How do we restore or maintain closeness when this happens?
What Do You Respect About Your Partner?
First, I’d like you to think about a quality you truly respect about your partner. Think about a time when you experienced your partner at their kindest, most endearing, even most heroic. Picture them in this moment, in detail. Remember the lighting in the room, what they were wearing, any other details you can think of in order to make the memory salient and real. Notice the kindness in their eyes, or the way they cocked their head when thinking, or the way their behavior expressed caring, nurturance, or bravery. Give the memory a title and place an imaginary colored frame around it.
This suspended moment in time can now become a “safe place” memory of your partner, which you can retrieve from your library of memories and bring it front and center. As you reflect on your safe place memory of your partner, ask yourself, “What here about my partner do I respect or admire the most?” Find the best word or words to describe this quality and notice any feelings that arise. Confide to your partner how you were feeling when you were remembering the moment. You might be surprised to find that your partner never knew how much you admired or respected her or him, and you might experience a deeper connection in the moment
Become Curious
When you are not feeling threatened or angry about your partner’s viewpoint, allow yourself to become curious. What might have led her or him to develop the points of view that they have? What political views did their parents or culture possess? What experiences have they had that might contribute to their current belief system? Considering the context in this way can be illuminating. There might be a hundred reasons your partner developed their point of view, and for them it makes sense and was adaptive.
Holding Space
With respect for the qualities you love most about your partner, and curiosity about your partner’s developing worldview, we can have more space for and feel less threatened by their diverging political views. I love this quote by Erica Layne, blogger and author of the book The Minimalist Way:
- It’s okay to have conflicting emotions.
- You can feel discouraged and hopeful.
- You can want to spend time with someone and know you need some space. You can be excited for something and anxious about it at the same time.
- You can miss something and love where you’re at.
- Conflicting emotions are a big part of this amazing, messy human experience
- we’re all going through together.
- Contrasting feelings don’t have to keep you from acting. They don’t have to
- keep you stuck.
We can hold space within ourselves for conflicting emotions, the “good” and the “bad,” and that’s okay. Similarly, we can hold space within our relationship for conflicting worldviews, and that’s okay, even enriching. There are certain places in the world, places like Morocco, Barcelona, Santa Fe, that are more interesting (and have more delicious food!) because they share a border with diverse cultural influences. When we visit these places and don’t feel threatened, anxious, or frustrated, we can relax and enjoy all there is to offer.
Further reading
