I am passionate about couples therapy. My genuine hope each time I meet a new couple in my office is that we will work together to help strengthen your bond and that you will stay together. And not only will you stay together, but you will be more deeply connected emotionally than ever before! But sometimes, however, good couples therapy does a different service. Through the process of deepening emotions, promoting vulnerability, and encouraging transparency, every now and then, a couple realizes the relationship is over. One or both of the partners are “burned out,” and if this is truly the case, it can be very difficult to come back from that. Of course, I would encourage you to search among the pieces of burned wood and ash for the tiniest bit of embers that we can blow on and coax back to life. But if you search your hearts and discover there is nothing left, you might make the painful decision to end the relationship.
Here are some suggestions for making this process easier emotionally.
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Support — Much like the experience of losing a loved one through death, you will need to grieve the loss of the relationship. The grieving process is enhanced greatly through emotional support. Recent neurological research shows that, as social bonding mammals, humans heal relationally more than individually. That means we need support, through friends, family, and support groups. In the Flower Mound area, I have found numerous support groups for divorcing individuals at various local churches. Support groups not affiliated with a church can be found in the greater Dallas area or online. I have noticed through my years of counseling divorcing individuals, those that join such a support group tend to recover from their breakups more quickly.
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A Good Book — As the daughter of a librarian, I always encourage a good book. There are some really great books out there for helping individuals navigate the difficult journey back to singlehood. One of my favorites is Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott. This optimistically- titled book is filled with great suggestions and can be an excellent source to turn to when you’re confused or sad./p>
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No Contact — One of the tenets of Susan Elliott’s book is the no-contact rule. Other than what is needed to maintain good parenting, reducing or eliminating contact with your ex is sometimes the only way to really move on. We hold on to hope sometimes and seek out contact, only to end up back at the beginning of our grief journey. I’ve described this to people as re-opening a scab on a wound that is trying to heal. If you find yourself continuing to seek out your ex for emotional contact, you might consider looking into the book How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern.
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A Higher Standard — Your recovery from the loss of a relationship will go more smoothly if you can choose a higher standard. For example, if you have children, your higher standard might be to put everything you say or do through a filter of “what would be best for the kids.” Unless they are in danger emotionally or physically, not damaging their relationship with your ex is best for the children. Another higher standard might be to follow the teachings of Christ or Buddha, turning the other cheek at times, and keeping your “side of the street clean,” by not behaving badly.
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Take Care of You — Finding a therapist to help you through the journey is a good idea. Keeping up your health through good nutrition and exercise is also essential. Finally, if the breakup is causing you unremitting distress, constant tearfulness, and significant sleep disturbance, see your doctor for the possibility of a short-term antidepressant.
Not all of these suggestions will work for everyone, but they are the ones that have seemed to provide the most help for my dear clients through the years. I am reminded of the lesson of the empty vessel in Tao philosophy. The empty vessel is valued more because of what it might contain. Grieve the loss of your relationship, seek support, and look toward the future for what your vessel might contain. That possibility has great value.
Further reading
